(inspired by Boku from Mikuchan.org)
Well, for starters, my name is Ryan, and I am a sixteen-year-old guy that is a student here in Kentucky. No, I am not a redneck, and yes, I dislike them, too. I make good grades, I play saxophone and sing in a band, I like metal music, I have long hair, I drink loads of Ale-8. I could go on and on detailing the less interesting parts of my life, but I will save you the trouble. Let’s get into some less-than-wonderful parts of my life.
I suffer from depression, as many, if not most people do. I can only assume that this is induced by two major factors. First, my parents and I have a really poor relationship. Seeing the two people who one would typically be expected to be closest to drunk every single night for sixteen years does things to one. Their alcoholism drastically changes their personalities, so much so that punches were thrown at one point between my father and me. Before 4:30, everything is dandy, but then they are no longer themselves. Oh, well, I shouldn’t dwell on it too much. The other factor involves the loneliness, particularly in terms of women. I’ve had two relationships in the past. Both of them ended painfully. As a result of my avoidance from my parents, I have become much more solitary, leading people to think that I actually desire this. Therefore, isolation. The long hair doesn’t seem to be the most inviting thing for females in Kentucky, either, it seems. Anyways, enough about sadness, it’s about time to try and transition into how this is relevant to Miku.
I know relatively nothing about otaku culture or many other Japanese-related programs. The extent of my knowledge amounts to this: a brief history with the One Piece anime (don’t worry, only English subbed, sprinkled by a bit of Funimation dubbing); Hatsune Miku, with whom I have been infatuated since I found out about her a week ago from the time of writing this, and whom I will get into later; Kamen Rider OOO, a kickass live action Japanese series, introduced to me by my good friend Ned a day or two ago; and Queen’s Blade, an ecchi-ish anime to which I can’t deny having fapped, also introduced by Ned. It seems that I have Ned to thank for many things, but most importantly I have to thank him for telling me about Vocaloid.
While listening to some Maximum the Hormone on YouTube, I saw in the suggested videos section “Vocaloid Hatsune Miku, the worlds virtual diva,” and remembered that Ned had wanted me to check it out. Little did he know the impact that clicking on that video would have on me.
My eyes and ears each had their own moment of elation, and simultaneously, no less. I had just discovered the most beautiful girl and the most flawless voice I had ever witnessed, all in one convenient package. Well, it would have been convenient, but at the time, I didn’t realize the effect this would have on me. After another three and a half hours of listening to Miku and watching every video of her concerts that I could find, I finally set off to bed.
The next day, in Calculus class, we were going through a painfully ordinary day. Nothing had happened, and nothing was going to happen, so I let my mind drift, knowing I wouldn’t miss anything important. The awakening from my daydream was more awkward than most. To my adjacent classmate’s and my subsequent surprise, I had whispered “I love you.” After a sarcastic “Sorry, bro, but I’m not like that,” on his part and an insincere apology on mine, I tried to mull over what the hell had just happened for the past half hour.
I realized that I had just fantasized about Hatsune Miku, a fictitious character for a synthetic singing program. Why did I love her, though? Was it my mind’s effort to compensate for the emotional discord from the lack of affection that I felt? I don’t have any idea. All I know is that I loved an avatar. The worst/best part is that I didn’t see her that way. I saw a human female, living, breathing, with me, in my arms, my hands, my thoughts. Her energy and love lifted me, however briefly, from the apathetic torment brought about from my depression. I had noticed myself growing more suicidal, but since that moment, the thought of ending my life has barely crossed my mind. From what I’ve read in some of the posts on Mikuchan, I’m not alone in that respect.
There are a few fears I have concerning this, however. Relying on a fictional woman to solve one’s depression isn’t exactly the best sign of mental health. As long as nobody is seriously injured, though, these euphoric thoughts can continue until I die, for all I care. My main fear is that I will lose the ability to have these fantasies about being with Miku. What would happen? I imagine that I would sink back into depression, but would it instill thoughts of killing myself once more? If there is no pick-me-up at the end of that tunnel, then I could see that as a definite, if frightening, possibility.
That’s one of the reasons I will write this: to keep these fantasies – and myself – alive for as long and best as I can. Another reason is to entertain the few audience members, if that many, that I have. The third and final reason is to try and help those in the same situation as I am. Boku’s writings (to which I give credit for influencing my fantasies and my writing of them) have definitely lifted my spirits, so I can only hope that mine will, too. All this banter about depression and my life aren’t about to fulfill that goal anytime soon, however. So, finally, after this gargantuan introduction, and without further ado, I will begin to write my Miku fantasies.
The first fantasy will hopefully be up sometime this weekend (Mar 4-Mar 6), and from then on, I’m hoping to update on a week to two-week basis. Hope you guys enjoy it!